The Perfect Quote
Smart Openers, Ice-Breakers, Closers, and Pithy One-Liners to Spark Your Presentation
When somebody asks you, how’s business, you say, and say it with enthusiasm, ‘UNBELIEVABLE!’ cause that’ll cover it either way.
The best way to start a speech is “I’m going to make this quick.”
When management wants your opinion, they’ll give it to you.
People say I’m condescending. That means I talk down to people.
Have you ever noticed what golf spells backward?
Why can’t an Engineer tell a joke timing
I was just on a Zoom call that ended automatically after 40 minutes because the organizer was on a free tier. This is the single greatest advancement to meeting productivity that I’ve ever seen.
Would pay extra for this feature.
Humor takes your presentation one step closer to a show,
and one step further from a funeral procession.
Did you hear about the company that offered $100 for each money-saving idea submitted by its employees? The first prize went to the employee who suggested the award be cut to $50.
You need your body to function well to be productive at work.
Your job is to keep it fed, rested, and motivated.
Robots don’t need any of that.
Hence their appeal.
I’m thinking of setting up a price comparison comparison website to compare price comparison websites.
I’ve noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier than the people who have to wait for them.
The best place to hide a dead body is on page 2 of Google search results.
The biggest marketing mistake in history was ‘Campbell’s Soups for One.’ They might as well have called it Cream of Loser Soup.
‘Open can. Add tears.’
I don’t like money actually, but it quiets my nerves.
Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.
If it weren’t for the last minute, a lot of things wouldn’t get done.
Michael S. Taylor
Cheerios is a good name for a cereal but a bad name for a funeral home.
The difference between having an entrepreneurial idea and executing it, is the difference between looking at the moon, and getting there.
Bigger isn’t Better—Better is Better.
The spelling similarity is uncanny.
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I was depressed all morning. Then a friend called and said she lost her job and her husband and that made me feel a little better.
I don’t think cops should wear mirrored sunglasses.
The whole time the guy was chewing me out
all I could think was,
“I should cut my bangs.”
I made a friend request to this guy on FaceBook and he never replied back to me. I don’t know what his problem is? I mean, I don’t even know the guy.
There is no way to place my wife’s coffee order at Starbucks without feeling like I need to apologize afterward.
Studying history teaches you that people never learn from history.
If I pass away in my sleep, just know that I died doing what I love.
We’re all in this together – by ourselves.
A new study finds that cats actually bond with people like dogs but they’re too aloof to show it. Which is why I named my cat Dad.
After having children, 80% of marriage is just negotiating who’s dropping off which kid at which sport.
Nurse to Patient with bleeding head: “Your name?”
N: “Your Birthdate?”
P: “February 23, 1970”
N: Are you Married?”
P: “Oh this…No no, it was a car accident.”
You’ll always find me, either at work during the day, or in the evening at the club exercising my demons.
“I was depressed, Doctor, so I tried to kill myself by taking a thousand aspirin.” “What happened?” “Well, after the first two I felt better”
I kept a diary right after I was born.
Day 1: Tired from the move.
Day 2: Everyone thinks I’m an idiot.
I got a job at an amusement park. I liked to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a few screws onto the seats.
Is it weird in here, or is it just me?
The only way I’ve found to really wallow in self-pity is to not hear anything about other people’s lives.
I would meditate more if calming my mind wasn’t so stressful.
Your sense of humor. Don’t leave home without it.
Don’t come home without it either.
I intend to live forever…So far, so good.
The shortest distance between two people is laughter.
The three loves of my life are: my wife, my kids, my pillow.
Fight as if you’re right, listen as if you’re wrong.
You can’t read about push-ups. You gotta do them.
Obstacles do not block the path, they are the path.
A rising tide lifts all boats. Great humor lifts all moods.
Enjoy your body, use it every way you can. Don’t be afraid of it, or what other people think of it, it’s the greatest instrument you’ll ever own.
Everything you ever wanted is one step outside your comfort zone.
Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues but the parent of all others.
Where there is no blame,
there is no negativity.
Solutions are not found through pushing, but through pausing.
Nothing happens until the pain of remaining the same outweighs the pain of change.
Without creative people, this world would be as unimaginative as you can imagine.
A well-balanced person is one who finds both sides of an issue laughable.
A crisis is made by men, who enter into the crisis with their own prejudices, propensities, and predispositions. A crisis is the sum of intuition and blind spots, a blend of facts noted and facts ignored.
We’re all going to die, all of us, what a circus! That alone should make us love each other but it doesn’t. We are terrorized and flattened by trivialities, we are eaten up by nothing.
Life is simply what our feelings do to us.
Honore de Balzac
So long as there’s a bit of a laugh going, things are all right.
As soon as this infernal seriousness, like a greasy sea,
heaves up, everything is lost.
We are asleep until we fall in love.
As soap is to the body, laughter is to the soul.
What you appreciate, appreciates.
Now and then it’s good to pause in our pursuit of happiness and just be happy.
Just as you have to stop talking to hear what others have to say, you have to stop thinking to find out what life is about.